So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh god it's open bar.
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