I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
