I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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