I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
