To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize