Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
