At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
