I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
