If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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