It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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