i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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