Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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