Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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