woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
