He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
