i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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