With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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