Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
