The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
