Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
