when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
