You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
