Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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