the condom got lost in my hair
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
