ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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