I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
