you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
