So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
