So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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