I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
