whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
