dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
