I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
