that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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