You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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