that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
