thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
