i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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