I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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