I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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