My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
