Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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