On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
