what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
