Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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