Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I looked at my own cervix.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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