i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
