He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize