She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
