My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
