i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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