Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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