so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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