Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ketchup is God's man juice
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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