She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
