we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
