I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
