the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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