Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
