ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
