R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
