you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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