dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
