Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
